lately i have been feeling rather strange, and not in a bad way. i feel strange in a foreign sense, i have not been myself but something much greater. stable. for the first time in my experiance thus far, i have felt release without losing any blood. i don't understand it, this having no fear of being myself and showing my colors to the world. and that somehow has had a freeing effect. i thought for sure that i had embraced my one true self, but now i am so unsure. i don't know who the fuck i am anymore, i'm so confused about everythin i thought i knew was true. it's like some fucking corny teen coming-of-age bullshit. i turned 17 on the 6th, and i feel great.and that's what has me so stunned: i feel great. like it's all going to be ok. for the first time ever. i feel happy. and it scares me, because i have never felt this content with being happy for this long. i don't know what's wrong with me, or if there even is anything wrong. is it wrong? i swea i don't deserve this mindless joy. i used to get so angry at people who smiled for no reason or laughed because they could. and now i'm a fucking hypocrit in that very regard. i don't even know whether or not i want this weird state of mind to last. i feel uncomfortable this way, which is why every other time things start to go right i self-sabotage without realizing it until it's too late. and i fear that will happen, because this is the best things have ever been. i'm engaged to a beautiful, intelligent girl who loves me back dearly. and since i have been living with her, everything seems to be fading away. and i'm so scared that i'm gonna fuck it up, but it scares me that i'm actually happy as well. anyone, please tell me your opinon on my puzzeled state.